Wednesday, February 23, 2011

How did I get to this point in my Life?

I'm a 30 year old single Mom of a 2 year old which is living with her Dad and going to school full-time.  I find that I question myself all the time as to 'how' I got here.  Like it is some bad place to be.  Well it is defiantly not where I saw myself when I was in high-school daydreaming of the person I was to become.  But, its not all that bad.  I could say I made some mistakes along the way.  Although, I try not to look at them as mistakes but rather learning experiences.  And, those experiences are what made me the person I am today.  There is not one thing that I would say I would go back and change.  Then I would not have my son and there have been times he was my only reason for living! 

Some of the things that I thought I would potentially go change were like my first marriage.  Jim was an incredibly sweet and sincere person whom I met on Yahoo Personals.  He was going through a divorce and had 3 young children.  I was 19 or 20 going to college and had goals.  I was also in the Army Reserve.  I had litterally just begun my adult life and fell head over heels in love with him.  Young and dumb I quit school, stopped going to drill and basically ran away with him to help him raise his kids when he had em.  We were really meant to be nothing more than friends.  As our relationship grew I knew we didn't really have that much in common.  But, we got married anyway because he was joining the Army.  We spent the first year of our marriage apart from each other first for training then for deployment.  I completely moved away from my friends and family to the Army base and was sorta left all alone.  I began to get depressed!  But then i got a job and made friends and came out of it a little bit.  I started to develop a person of my own.  And then he came home.  This stranger in which I had nothing in common with returned.  He was more a skater boy and I was a bit on the classy side and shopped at GAP.  He was an eternal child and I am more of a worry wart concerned with practical things in life like bills.  Well then we were moved to Colorado and I was ripped away from this social network I had made all by myself.  Depression returned and I began to blame him for me quitting school and quitting the Army.  We fought over little things.  I was constantly suspicious of him and would look on the internet to see who he'd been talking to.  I actually found reasons to question him though and he moved out.  I started my life back with the Army and was almost immediately called for deployment.  I was so excited to start my life back again that him and I actually got on good speaking terms and we were going to try to make the marriage work.  The more time I spent away from him the more I came to realize that I loved him and he was a great person but I just didn't want to be married to him.  We had no reason getting married in the first place.  Of course I couldn't just end it like that and we argued over petty things while I was gone like money and him not caring about me while I was deployed etc.  But, the decision was made to go ahead and get a divorce. 

To Be Continued.....